Fiesta parade lunch break liveblog

August 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

12:12: On the balcony at my office, watching people mill around before the parade happens. The chairs are assembled, the streets blocked off, and confetti is slowly eating the obnoxious red bricks of state street. I fucking hate fiesta. This should be fun.

12:14: The man directly across the street has the most ostentatious sombrero I’ve ever seen. It’s so bad that, even in the realm of sombreros it warrants mention. Purple, gold trim, and an orange flower on top. An unseen woman on a bullhorn is sharing the revisionist history of the old spanish days. Nobody listens. I think maybe that’s a good thing?

12:19: “We have every kind of horse here at the parade,” says the disembodied voice on the speakers. She spends the next four minutes talking about what goes into planning a horse parade. I assure you, none of it is the least bit interesting. We have six horses that we’ll see on this parade, I think she said? That can’t be right. I’ll be on horse count. I’ll also be on dogs eating horse shit count. We’ve already seen more of that than horses today.

12:23: Correction. Over 500 horses. I will try to count that high, but if anyone has any sympathy they will deliver me too much alcohol to be able to do so.

12:27: The announcer voice is now telling us where the tourists who’ve shown up for Fiesta are from. Fucking shoot me. Side note: if glitter is an STD, what’s confetti? Are they both STDs, and we should just be more precise in our analogies?

12:31: Disembodied announcer voice is now giving the myth of “welcome stranger”, and “mi casa es su casa”: California was so welcome to strangers because the rancheros were so spread out, with nowhere to stay in between long horse rides with no towns. The unsaid subtext being: were they to stay outside of these guarded, gated compounds, they’d get fucking killed by the locals? No wait, can’t tell the tourrerists that. Parade is just a couple blocks away now.

12:33: Disembodied announcer voice is trying to instruct the kids on how to say “viva la fiesta.” Nobody cares. BTW, big ups to my coworker Cary for the beer.

12:40: A 4 year old is missing. All the chairs in front of the bank, which have been set up since early this morning, are empty except for 4. My coworker Sean just broke a confetti egg on my head. Disembodied Announcer Voice is shilling for the sponsors, including Cox, KEYT, Fess Parker, Marborg, Paseo Nuevo, and all the other local monopolies. It’s a small world, after all. Still no parade.

12:48: Police escort expertly misses the horse shit, gets a less than rousing ovation. The parade is here. 4 girls holding a banner, a stampede of flower girls. Horse count: 6. American flag count:6. Old people on horses count: also 6.

12:51: Dancers with fans also miss the horse shit. Mariachi music does not top the naked mariachi band from the movie Orgazmo. Horse count: 22. They’re serious about this. One of the drivers of the horse carriage has a fishing line in front of him? I’m so confused.

12:54: Sherrifs bring the Horse count up to 47. Amazing mustache count: 1. Can something be a handlebar mustache and super bushy at the same time? Pulled it off.

12:55: la reyna arrives, and stops for a red light? or for a sherrif presentation of the california flag? THE QUEEN DOES NOT RESPECT YOUR PETTY “STATES”! QUEEN! DESTROY! Albino horse is having a seisure. Navy uniforms are still super gay. Horse count: 62.

1:01: Horse count: 94. Fake horse standing still on a float of banana leaves count: 1. Um, what? Are the other horses jealous?

1:01: My coworker just informed me that some of these might be donkeys or something. Whatever. THey’re all fucking horses to me.

1:07: High-stepping horses either look like hardcore kids dancing or like they’re in tremendous pain. Disembodied announcer voice is saying something about representing the role that african americans played in colonizing the frontier and, well, I didn’t hear it well enough to know if she’s just making an excuse to tokenize a few black folks. Horse count: 150. Old people on floats waving aimlessly is still entertaining.

1:08: Some of the horses pulling carriages have their tails tied up into cute little buns. I was unaware of this development in horse fashion. Meanwhile, the knights of columbus have kicked hte horse count up to 174 and the flag count to a jazillion.

1:09: Disembodied Announcer Voice shills for their diamond sponsor, the Santa Barbara Bank and Trust. Who is no longer actually SBBT. I’ve lost count of the horse count at 189. I’m just gonna say it’s 189. Does anyone really care?

1:15: A fake cable car and another cute old person throwing grafitti mostly into into her own hair brings horsewatch 2012 up to 201. Disembodied Announcer Voice is still talking. And there’s the Chumash float. I’m suppose I’m simply happy they survived the old spanish days at all. here’s the SBHS marching band. Gonna take a quick break. If anyone sees a horse I forgot to count, lemme know.

1:20: Horse count is stalled at 214. Disembodied Announcer Voice informs us that the helicopter might have been an official flyover! but she’s not sure.

1:25: I think it’s done? Disembodied Announcer Voice is still talking, but there hasn’t been anything on the street in 10 mins. Less than half of the advertised number of horses, too. Fiesta is shit. 2 more missing children. Viva la…

1:26: Just saw another horse, and the music started up again. Don’t care. Liveblog over. I’d actually rather do work, now. Just have to find a secure location where I don’t have to hear this shit going on anymore. take care everybody, and if anyone tries to confetti egg you,you should take bath salts and eat their face.

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